


Our Notes

by armin_bean



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bokuaka - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:28:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28528494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/armin_bean/pseuds/armin_bean
Summary: Having a methodic mind isn’t always the best, if your world begins to fall down you won’t be able to analyze everything fast and keep yourself up.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Kudos: 8





	Our Notes

**Author's Note:**

> I had the idea for this story and I wanted to write it down. I hope I wasn't too short and simple writting this but I'm not a very romantic and sloppy person. I went through the same harsh things so telling them with Bokuto and Akaashi as the main characters helped me a lot. From my point of view this story is really painful, indeed I cried a lot, I’m sorry if you will too. Also I apologize if there will be some mistakes but I’m not used to writing in English, I tried my best correcting the text.  
> Good reading I hope :)

“Akaaashi”

He heard someone calling him and immediately knew it was Bokuto.

“hey ready for our first day of school?”

“sure Bokuto-san, unlucky it’s our last years together”

“don’t be so dramatic, we’ll always be together. However I haven’t heard you in a while”

“oh sorry I wasn’t in the mood of talking in these last days of holiday”

“something wrong?”

“I guess it will be fine, don’t worry”

“okay I haven't understood but let’s meet at lunch, I’ve to run to class now byee”

“see you later”

That day at home Akaashi found his parents arguing again so he preferred having dinner alone in his room. Since he remembered his parents had always been arguing or avoiding talking to each other, so he started to wish every single day they lived in different houses. He didn’t think they really loved each other anymore, they just did a big mistake. His dad said often it was love at first sight but his mum always looked down hearing this. Akaashi didn’t understand if they had ever loved one another, but for sure that thing they had faded away years before with their happiness. Every day he tried cheering them up but it was useless, and this feeling of powerlessness haunted him every day.

* * *

At lunch Akaashi and Bokuto often spent time together on the school’s roof just to have a quiet moment:

“I’m so happy that we’re still on the court together, you’ll be forever my setter”

“is that so important for you?”

“for sure, I give my 100% with you setting me”

“oh really, about that, please don’t be mad at me, but I was thinking about leaving the club”

“what?? You can’t at all, why should you?”

“you know my grades keep falling, I’m not concerning enough on school”

“that’s not possible you’re always good at school”

“I know I used to be, I don’t know what’s going on with me”

“hey look at me and smile please”

“why?”

“just do it”

“alright, is that okay?”

“okay now that you’re brighter, I promise to help you with your grades even if I’m a mess by

myself, but two bad students can become a good one together”

“you never give up Bokuto-san”

“exactly and you shouldn’t too, I’ll help you getting out from your school problems as much as I

can”

“thank you, so I guess I won’t leave the team”

“YES you’ll always be my setter”

“hahaha you know, you’ve a special power”

“what? Have I a power Akaashi?”

“yeah and a beautiful one, the one that can always makes me smile”

“but that’s not a real one”

“for me it’s, thank you Bokuto-san”

* * *

Finally they had a match between Nekoma and Fukurodani, so Bokuto, Akaashi, Kuroo and Kenma could meet again. They managed to win against the red team and for that Bokuto had an awesome smile all over his face.

“hey hey hey Kurooo we have smashed you”

“shut up Bokuto I know you wouldn’t have done nothing if it wasn’t for Akaashi”

“ohh com’on however how’s Kenma?”

“look there, you’ve exhausted him with all your spikes”

“oh sorry Kenma”

“Bokuto I will always hate you for this you know”

“ahahah I know Kenma, however Akaashi come here”

“Bokuto-san if we’ve done I would go home now”

“don’t run away com’on, let’s go eating with Kuroo and Kenma”

“I feel like I should go home now sorry”

“please it won’t be the same with only Kuroo and Kenma”

“I doubt it but alright let’s go having lunch together”

During all the lunch even Akaashi was kinda quiet, even more than Kenma and it was kinda weird. Besides Kuroo tried taking to him doing even worst:

“oh Keiji how’s your grandma?”

“she’s still feeling bad, her mental health is becoming worst everyday, I visit her often but that’s not enough”

“oh I’m sorry, I hoped she would have felt better. Com’on don’t do such a sad face she’ll be fine I’m sure”

“how can you be so sure, you don’t even know her and you don’t know what she’s feeling”

“calm down Akaashi, Kuroo wants only to help you”

“Kenma shut up, you don’t know what is going on in her mind so don’t try being nice about something you can’t solve”

“Akaashi you’re frustrated, please calm down, it will be fine”

“all of you stop saying that phrase if you’re not sure at all. I knew I should had gone home”

Bokuto tried to stop him from going away but Akaashi was irremovable. After that Akaashi skipped practices and school for an entire week.

* * *

Bokuto and Akaashi had been used to leave notes in their lockers during classes just to keep in touch, even if they could talk it was a funny thing they started doing and never stopped. Coming back to school Akaashi found lots of notes asking about what was going on: “heey are you okay? I haven’t seen you today before class” “I heard you wasn’t at school yesterday, are you still mad at us?” “why don’t you answer on the phone?” “please answer all these notes when you will come back I’m really worried”. He decided to go to meet Bokuto to apologize:

“hi”

“Akaaashi so you’re alive”

“I guess so”

“where have you been all this time? Are you mad at us?”

“don’t worry I just had something to do at home with my parents, it’s okay I’m not mad”

“but you don’t seem so happy, is really everything okay?”

“yeah sure”

“okaay maybe I believe you, let’s go I wanna talk about one thing”

They went upstairs on the roof and looking at the view Bokuto said:

“you know what? I wanna play volleyball forever”

“oh don’t be so exaggerated com’on”

“I’m not joking I really want to play volleyball in a big team even after school”

“cool so is this your dream?”

“yeah and I will give everything I’ve to make it possible, you gave me hope”

“me? How?”

“just joining the team one year ago so I finally had a partner to play with, I was so alone before”

“oh really?”

“yeah really com’on you could be a little more surprised”

“oh sorry you’re right we should give everything for our dreams”

“so you’ve one too right?”

“I guess so”

“and it’s... tell me I’m curious”

“oh I really wish I could be a good manga writer so with my stories I would make lots of children

happy in this world, but I’m not sure to have the strength”

“ohhh that’s amazing Akaaashi, you’ll make it and I’ll be the first reader of your works”

“thank you Bokuto-san”

He smirked softly looking far away while Bokuto was simply enjoying his best friend smile for once in a while.

* * *

Akaashi walked to his locker after the first hour and found a note from Bokuto: “heyy my mum has given me two mochi for lunch, I’ll give you one”. He took a post-it, wrote “only if it’s a white one” and then he left it on the locker. They kept sending their notes during all the day to feel nearer:

“noo in this way I’ll have to eat the pink one”

“that’s perfect for you, pink fits you”

“so should I wear pink?”

“sure I wanna see you in a pink skirt”

“Akaaashi that’s too much, I can’t do it”

“yeah you’re right, just joking”

“maybe I could for your birthday as a gift, but only you will see me in skirt”

“ohh it’ll be the best, I will die of laugher”

“alright that’s a promise”

* * *

“heey Akaaashi wait, let’s have lunch together”

“hi Bokuto-san, alright but I don’t have anything to eat”

“what? You can take half of my sandwich, but didn’t your parents make lunch for you?”

“my mum said that she wanted to do it, but in the end she came back home late from work and

because of that my parents argued, so she didn’t have time”

“oh so they’re keeping arguing”

“yeah they can’t talk to each other without fighting now”

“I’m so sorry, I know it’s an hard time for you, if you need something I will help you”

“I don’t even know what to do, that’s the worst part”

“Akaashi I’m sorry, we can go out this evening so you’ll forget it”

“no thanks I’ll stay home, I don’t want to go out right now”

“com’on just the two of us”

“I said no Bokuto-san, now I’ve to leave for class”

“there’s still time, stay here with me”

“I’m sorry but I need to stay alone”

Bokuto tried to catch Akaashi’s harm but he ran away as soon as he felt the touch on his skin. It was really weird for Akaashi to get this angry and distant with Bokuto, even because there wasn't a reason, they had never argued before that.

* * *

“hey Bokuto what’s up?”

“hi Kuroo I’ve to ask you one thing, have you talked to Akaashi lately?”

“not really, he keeps not answering the phone, is he okay?”

“that’s what I’m worried about, he talks even to me really rarely and now we’ve argued too. I feel so bad for not seeing his beautiful smile. We used to do everything together and I was so happy with him, only seeing him made my chest warm in every situation. But now he’s changing, I miss the old him”

“okay I got the point let’s meet at the bar near my school this evening after practice”

“no Kuroo what have you got?”

“I’ll tell you later, see you there”

“who was that on the phone Kuroo?”

“oh Kenma just Bokuto, I guess what you said to me about them is true”

“I know I’m never wrong”

“oh shut up, leave that game and let’s go to Bokuto after practice”

“uhh fine I wanna be there when he will admit it”

“hey hey hey you’re always together right?”

“Kuroo keeps staying sticked to me”

“don’t be so rude Kenma I know you love having me around”

“hahahah you’re always so funny, but why are we here?”

“you see me and Kenma have discovered one thing about you”

“what? I’ve never hidden anything to you two”

“maybe but we noticed that you always talk about Akaashi, so won’t it be that...”

“that you’re in love?”

“ohh Kenma I wanted to say it”

“sorry Kuro”

“wait wait wait guys it can’t be like that”

“why not Bokuto, if you like him it’s okay”

“but it can’t be, we’re just close friends”

“maybe for him, but is that so even for you?”

“I don’t know, I mean I always wish the best for him, but maybe saying that I love him it’s just a stupid thing”

“or maybe it’s not, you’re always brighter with him around”

“maybe you’re right, I feel something but I don't wanna mess up our friendship”

“yeah we know we’re right as always”

“but I don’t really know what to do now, I mean first I wanna make him smile again but I don’t

know what’s going on with him”

“maybe we should try to talk to him too, don’t you have any clue about this matter?”

“I only know that his parents keep arguing often but we stopped talking lately”

“there should be something more for sure, we’ll try to meet him these days”

“thank you, being worried really sucks”

“yeah you’ve never been so anxious, even your hair are down”

“hahah noo not again, I need more gel now” 

* * *

Akaashi disappeared for all the summer break and for three days of school and Bokuto was getting worried about him more and more. During the holidays he was busy with a special training camp with other strong players from all over Japan so he had really short time to call Akaashi. Every day he wished to see Akaashi’s smile but as the time passed it was fading away. Bokuto wanted to help him but the other had the bad habit of not talking to anyone about his problems because he didn't want people to feel bad for him. For sure this way ruined Akaashi’s happiness. The last time Akaashi wrote a message to Bokuto he said only “I’m sorry”. Bokuto saw that message only the morning after and he ran to Akaashi’s house finding anyone there. He didn’t know what to think or do, Akaashi was slowly leaving him and he didn’t know exactly why. The day after he discovered what was going on when the coach called him before practice to talk:

“listen Bokuto I saw that you and Akaashi are quite close, maybe you’re his only friend in this club so I’ve to tell you this now. His mother called the principal this morning explaining why his son isn’t coming at school”

“so what is it? Coach don’t make me waiting”

“calm down please, he’s at the local hospital right now”

“how? Has he had an accident?”

“not at all Bokuto, he tried to kill himself two days ago”

“you're kidding me, it can’t be true, it can’t be” 

“I’m sorry, all I can do is giving you the permission to go visiting him, good luck”

As soon as the coach left, he ran to the club’s room to take his bag and he started running to the hospital, calling Kuroo:

“answer please”

“hi Bokuto, wait are you running or what?”

“yes I’m running, please go to the local hospital now”

“are you fine? What happened to you?”

“it’s not me it’s Akaashi, please I can’t stay there alone”

“what?”

“I’ll explain everything later, just come with me please”

“yes I’m coming, just a little bit and I’ll be there”

Bokuto discovered himself crying with an huge emptiness inside as he never had felt before, and the worst was that he had even imagined this happening, but he couldn’t do anything, he was powerless for the first time in his life. He stopped feeling the world moving around him, everything was silent and frozen, all he could hear was his heavy breath getting shorter every second. Finally he reached the hospital, he asked for the room and running to it he found Akaashi’s mother sitting on a chair. Looking forward she asked:

“are you Akaashi’s friend?”

“yes, I’m sorry”

“I know, as everyone who will come to visit him”

“if only I would had stayed closer to him”

“don't do such an angry face, it would had been the same. He wouldn’t had said what haunted him to anyone, not to you, not to his teachers and not to his parents”

“maybe”

“you can go seeing him, he lost lot of blood and now he’s sleeping, we don’t know if he will get up or when”

“can I ask how it went?”

“I don’t really know too. Me and my husband argued two nights ago so both of us went doing a walk outside, when I came back he was lying on the floor bleeding bad. I’m sorry, I should take a

coffee now”

“thank you”

The sight of Akaashi in an hospital gown made Bokuto’s heart even smaller, but he still reached the bed and sat near it. Akaashi was asleep but just his white face and his blindfolded wrist made tears come down again with free words:

“why have you done it? Why haven’t you talked to me? Am I so stupid that I can’t help you? Couldn't I have done anything? Please don’t leave me, there’re so many things I’ve to say to you, I’ve to do with you. Why couldn’t you understand that I need you? You’re the exact opposite of me, so calm, methodical and cool minded, I can’t live without you completing me, why couldn’t you understand that? I wish you could see yourself as I do, you’re not a powerless person at all, you’re the only one that can make me feel strong in every moment. Please get up so I can tell you how much I love you”

Sobbing he closed his eyes tightening Akaashi’s hand really hard. Only a few minutes later he noticed Kuroo waiting on the door:

“since when have you been there?”

“enough to understand what’s going on, will he get up?”

“he lost a lot of blood, but I think if he wants he will get up. I don’t know what to do or think anymore, I feel lost”

“for now I think you can stay here with him, I guess he will explain everything later”

“and what if no one can save him from himself? What if I can’t do it?”

“don’t think too much, it doesn’t suit you”

“I’m not in the mood for jokes”

“yeah sorry bad habit, I will call Kenma now, if you need me I’m outside”

Bokuto was alone again in that silent room, that silent that hunts and breaks you inside. Not knowing what to do he decided to lay down in the bed, hugging Akaashi’s body to make it warmer. He started unconsciously to touch the bandages slowly, falling asleep soon with tears still coming down.

* * *

Akaashi got up with Bokuto near him the day after, but for two days he barely talked and answered to anyone. At the end he found the courage to speak:

“I’m sorry Bokuto-san”

“Akaashi don’t-”

“no I’m really sorry, I know I’m making people worrying, I just, I don’t know anymore what to do, my mind couldn’t understand what to do”

“Akaashi can you tell me what’s going on please?”

Akaashi looked away through the window, searching for words and courage to face his best friend, the only one that really was important to him and that he made feel so bad.

“I haven’t said anything to you about that, but my grandma, the one I passed with all my childhood, committed suicide the night after our game with Nekoma. I know it was my fault too, she was clearly depressed but I did nothing, I always promised to visit her more and to stay with her but at the end I always preferred doing other stuff. I knew and understood what she was feeling but I left her dying alone without doing anything. How could I live knowing I have left dying the person that raised me? After that everything started falling down, my parents began to argue even more, my grades got worst, I lost interest in lots of things, even in my dream. Maybe I’m like my grandma, I’ve to give up living. I feel every day this huge pressure, the pressure for not haven’t been able to save my grandma, for not being able to make my parents happy together, for having a big dream but not the strength to make it real. This world is choking me and I can't see a reason to keep feeling pain and emptiness every second”

“but you’re not alone at all, you can share your problems with me, Kuroo and Kenma”

“I’ll end up bringing you in my mess so it’s better pushing all of you away”

“that’s impossible, you’ll always have me by your side”

“don’t give me hope without a reason”

“that’s not an hope, it’s an oath”

Both of them started crying and hugged tightly, all those tears were cleaning slowly all their worries and their pain, having each other was really the best thing for them.

* * *

Kuroo, Kenma and Bokuto met at Bokuto’s home the day after and he explained everything to them:

“I’m so sorry for his grandma”

“as everyone Kuroo, I knew her and she was exactly like Akaashi, they were like two copies, I’m scared that maybe depression is a part of their character”

“don’t be silly, depression’s not something that you’ve in your blood, he will smile again for sure. The only thing we can do is trying to make him forget about his grandma, he shouldn’t feel guilty”

“you’re right Kenma but how exactly?”

“I think if we keep him busy we could do it, now that we know what is going on we can act”

“you're right, specially Bokuto you’ve to stay close to him”

“I know, I will never leave him anymore”

“when should he leave the hospital?”

“in two days”

“maybe he can stay here for a little bit, feeling lonely at night is the worst”

“right, my parents aren’t home now, there would be only my sisters”

“let’s only hope he will be fine”

* * *

“hey Akaashi have you taken everything?”

“I have only that bag, where’s my mum to go home?”

“you will come with me for some time, we’ll be perfect roommates, happy?”

“oh alright”

“I hope my sisters won’t bother us, however they will come home only before dinner after the university”

“alright”

Bokuto observed Akaashi walking with his eyes down without their usual brightness, all he could do was trying to speak with low result.

Akaashi was going to stay in the parents’ room until they would come back:

“so for this time you’ve to use this room, in the one we used for our sleepovers back then there’re my sisters now that they’re home”

“it’s okay, I just need a place to sleep”

“alright so shall we play with the play station?”

“sorry I can’t I’m too tired”

“oh right so do you wanna go to sleep now?”

“yes if you don’t mind”

“sure it’s okay, if you need anything I’m here”

“Kotaro”

“Akashi?”

“can you stay?”

“sure I will wait until you get asleep”

“I mean can you hug me for this night?”

Bokuto froze, it was already a strange thing for Akaashi to call him Kotaro, moreover that question surprised him a lot. However slowly he reached the bed and laid down. Akaashi felt all his nightmares fading away as soon as Bokuto touched him and immediately he felt asleep feeling only peace for once.

* * *

“hii Akaaashi good morning”

“morning Bokuto-san”

“you can even stop calling me Bokuto-san now, we even live together”

“maybe”

“you know what? Maybe we can try going to school today, it has been three weeks since you stopped going”

“I’m not so sure, I will feel nervous”

“com’on I’ll be there with you, and if you won’t feel good you’ll stay here again tomorrow , but I think going outside is the best thing to do”

“Has Kuroo come out with this idea?”

“maybe yes or maybe not”

“uh fine I’ll give a try”

At school almost no one asked Akaashi about his absence. The teacher said lying, as Akaashi asked her, that he went helping his grandfather in another city because he had been ill. He felt a little better knowing that no one would have asked him anything but at the same time this made him feeling alone again, luckly Bokuto left some notes on the locker:

“heeyy how’s going school?”

“as usual, no one asked me anything luckily”

“who cares? You don’t need nobody except me right? :)”

Akaashi didn’t answer, he couldn’t figure out why Bokuto wasn’t leaving him, he was only loosing time with a lost case.

* * *

Bokuto woke up in the middle of night feeling thirsty, so he went from his bedroom to the kitchen. When he was going back to bed yawing he heard a noise from Akaashi’s bedroom so he entered to check on him:

“Akashi?”

There wasn’t an answer so he got closer. He saw in the bed the other boy crying and bleeding. Seeing him trembling and in that state froze him immediately. He started to feel panic for not having an answer from Akaashi. Slowly he reached the body trying to feel a breath. Lucky Akaashi was still breathing slowly, he had only felt asleep in that state. Bokuto started to think fast about what to do. He ran to the bathroom to take some bandages and he stopped the bleeding from the wrist. After that he fell on the ground near the bed covered in blood. Seeing tears falling from Akaahi’s eyes made him cry too, feeling just an huge weight on his heart.

“I’m sorry”

“Akaashi are you awake?”

“I’m so sorry, leave me please”

“don’t even think about it”

“why do you keep helping a weak person like me?”

“because it’s you”

“Bokuto-san, I miss her, maybe if I will reach the place where she’s I could apologize and hug her for one last time. I’ve dream now that we were still together and she was teaching me how to prepare some pasta, what a silly memory”

“Akaashi, can I hug you instead?”

“if you want”

“she wanted you to keep living on I’m sure”

“but how can I, knowing that I could have saved her?”

“I will help you, just don’t you dare leaving me”

“you’re squeezing me”

“don’t leave me Keiji”

“I’m sorry, so sorry”

* * *

Time passed and then Akaashi’s birthday arrived, he seemed even more sad than the usual in that day. But Bokuto was able to make him smile for real for the first time in a while:

“Akaaashi are you in the living room?”

“yes I’m on the couch”

“okay get ready I’ve a present for you”

“me?”

“yeah it’s your birthday and I remembered a promise we made”

“which promise?”

“you will remember now... here look”

“why are you wearing a pink skirt?”

“have you forgotten? I said I would have done this the day I give you mochi”

“oh right I never thought you were serious”

“why are you hiding your smile with hands? Show me how it’s beautiful”

“no you’re beautiful in that skirt, thank you it’s the best present ever”

“alright let’s watch a movie now”

“but you’ve to keep the skirt”

“oh com’on, only because it’s your day, I hope my sisters won’t come back home sooner”

During the movie Bokuto got closed to Akaashi, ending up sleeping with the head on his legs and none of them found that weird, it was just a normal thing they started doing living under the same roof.

* * *

Akaashi had been staying at Bokuto’s home for almost a month, their parents called him every evening asking how he was feeling and he kept seeing them on the weekends, usually separated in different times. He knew they were going to spilt up soon or later, but he wasn’t ready at all. They decided to tell him about their split-up before Christmas holidays because they couldn’t wait living together in the same house always hating each other. When he knew this he closed himself in Bokuto’s room for two days. He felt so guilty and bad for their parents that he ran out of the house one night searching for a quite place to watch the crowd: watching other people made him feeling better, trying to figure out what they were thinking. He found a bench in a park and sat there for two hours, even when the crowd started fading away. Meanwhile Bokuto noticed his absence and worried about him because it was already 10 p.m. but he wasn’t coming back, so he took his coat and began searching for him in every street, square and park. Finally he found Akaashi laying on a bench while the snow was slowly falling down:

“hi”

“hi”

“aren’t you cold?”

“yes as always my hands are freezing”

“can I sit?”

“sure”

“give me your hands, I’ll keep them warm”

“thank you Bokuto-san”

“you know, we can talk”

“I know, it’s just, why haven’t I the strength to do anything? I wasn’t even able to keep my parents together, they were one of the few meaning things in my life. This world is so damn big and scary that I can't make a step without fear in my heart. Why am I so helpless? ”

“what? you’re not so, who help me with my emo mood? Or when I’ve an important text? Or when I’m just bored? It’s always you who can make me get through something. You’re not helpless, it’s just that you don’t see your value”

“why do you keep having faith in me? How can you see some light in me? I’m not like you, always smiling. Just give up on me”

“what? I don’t know at all how I could leave you, for sure you don’t smile as much as me but when you do the world becomes brighter. I won’t ever leave you until death, whenever it will come”

“you’re always so hopeful”

“com’on let’s go home, I’ll make some hot chocolate when will be back”

* * *

It was the winter break so with the school closed the four friends decided to go around spending time together. It was so freezing that after only an half of hour they were outside they had to search for a bar to get warmer. They ordered some hot chocolate, specially Kenma was so happy and childish tasting his drink as the best thing on earth. With some energy he took the other three across Tokyo to show them a new game in a shop:

“heey Kenma how can you be so lively?”

“Kuroo he’s right you aren’t like that usually”

“com’on Bokuto I’ve to show you something, look in that shop”

“a game?”

“yes, I’ve been waiting for this almost all of my life, it should be awesome”

“so should we buy you this? What’s the point?”

“no Kuroo I’ve already it, but I was thinking, since it can be played by four people, we can try it together at my house”

“are you inviting us to play??”

“yes..”

“Bokuto take notes, that’s a day to remember. Kenma as finally called us friends”

“shut up Kuroo I’ve never done this”

“but you mean it”

Kenma started throwing snowballs at Kuroo so him and Bokuto did too, getting in a big fight. Akaashi had been aside all the time spacing and looking at the white sky over them. The sound of his friends laughing was distant and muffled until a big snowball hit his coat:

  
“Akaaashi are you with us? Come here or we will destroy you”

“com’on I’m not in the mood”

“have you heard? He doesn’t want to get wet, let’s attack together”

Akaashi had been surrounded and in two minutes buried under an huge amount of snow. Slowly his friends’ voices became clearer, he was feeling again something warm in his chest that had disappeared for a long time. At the end the other three were looking at him bewildered when he started laughing so much as he hadn’t done in months. He realized how he was lucky to have them keeping him up. Freeing himself from the snow he hugged them before walking back home quietly with a big smile all over his face. Kuroo, Kenma and Bokuto were freezing until he got away:

“am I dreaming?”

“I’ve seen it too Kuroo”

“wow”

“man his smile is so beautiful”

“hahahaha Bokuto that’s all you’ve to say. Okay let’s head home too, it’s too cold outside”

“right, I’ll go now, maybe I can reach Akaashi and go with him”

“right, byee Bokuto”

“hey Kuroo wanna go to my house?”

“sure why not Kenma, let’s go”

* * *

“hey Akaashi don’t you see how nice is this new bar?”

“yeah it is Kuroo, however I still have to apologize for everything”

“don’t mind, it’s okay. However I wanted to ask how is it going with Bokuto?”

“normal as always”

“don’t have you noticed something different with him?”

“not in particular be more specific”

“I guess you haven’t noticed a thing, you’re so blind. He has an important thing to say you but doesn’t have the courage so I’ll do it for him, okay I’ll be faster showing you this”

Kuroo showed a video took the day Bokuto visited Akaashi in the hospital, indeed when Bokuto was declaring Kuroo was already there, filming him.

“I-”

“don’t say that you didn’t notice”

“I mean no, I thought he was acting nicer just to make me feel better, I don’t know what to say”

“just think about this, he really loves you but he doesn’t know how to act”

“I’m scared to end up splitting up like my parents, I’ve always had problems keeping a friendship, imagine a relationship”

“you’re not so desperate in friendship, at least not as Kenma and he managed to stay with me all this time. Just think about this, if you need any help just call”

Akaashi left Kuroo at the bar for doing a long walk and thinking. Seeing Bokuto saying that he loves him was a big shock, Akaashi realized the pain Bokuto had been through for him and all the mess he did. He wasn’t sure that staying close was the best for them, specially for Bokuto. If he just would have left slowly Bokuto would have felt better soon or later. He didn't know if he would ever start wanting to live again, so it was better and more secure if he would have left his friends soon. 

* * *

“Bokuto-san, I was thinking of going back home, now my mum is alone all day”

“noo please don’t leave me alone with my sisters”

“but maybe it’s better in this way”

“don’t you like staying here?”

“don’t be in the emo mood please, it’s just getting weird always together only the two of us”

“oh it’s this, I guess you’re right”

“I’ll go packing now”

“wait first can we watch _The greatest Showman?_ ”

“sure it’s kinda cool”

“yeah it always gives me hope”

“will you sing all the song?”

“obviously that’s the best part”

Bokuto searched for the movie on the TV while Akaashi was taking a blanket. Bokuto knew that Akaashi was trying to detach himself from him but in that last night together he wanted to feel Akaashi’s touch for one last time. Slowly Bokuto lied down on the couch with his head on Akaashi’s legs. He felt the other shaking at the beginning and then freezing. He wished they could stay there forever but it was just a crazy thought. He tried one last gamble taking Akaashi’s hands and squishing them, but he understood that they were so far away from each other in that moment. 

* * *

Kuroo and Bokuto had planned to meet after school at the Arcade to play something:

“hey hey hey Kuroo this time why don’t we try to win that game?”

“oh it’s new, cool let’s try”

“listen, I wanted to talk before”

“sure I’ll listen”

“yesterday Akaashi had moved back to his home saying that being just the two of us was weird. I think I may have shown him too much affection and he got scared”

“he’s so dumb, why he should run away for something like this?”

“I really want us to be together and every day the wish of kissing him grows. I know he's feeling worst but I'm sick of waiting him for nothing, I know he will never be able to love me. He seems scared by love and after his parents’ break up I don’t think that he would date someone soon. I don’t know if leaving him is the best thing, he seemed getting better with me but maybe I was wrong. Now that he’s not with me I don’t know how to help”

“as you say he should had noticed your love, I’m sure about that. He likes you too for sure, but as always he has to process everything with his big brain, so just give him time”

“gosh what if you’re wrong?”

“then we could have done a big mess between you two, but we’ll fix it somehow”

“I don’t know what you’ve done and I don’t wanna know but please don’t make my life a mess”

“don’t worry”

“uh fine, but now let’s go winning”

“yes well said Bokuto”

* * *

Akaashi for that year quitted the club so when Nekoma and Fukurodani had a camp for a week near Tokyo he stayed alone at home, even because his mum left for work. Bokuto, Kuroo and Kenma came back a week later finding the house in a mess:

“heyy Akaashi I’m Kenma, why is so dark here? Open some windows”

No one answered and the house seemed frozen in time. Kenma ran to the bedroom to check for his friend and he found him sleeping. He decided to wake him up:

“Akaaashi wake up fast, we’re back”

“please let me sleep, I don’t wanna get up”

“gosh how long have you been in this room?”

“I don’t remember, I lost the count of time”

“I’ll go do some breakfast”

“I’m not hungry”

“I saw you haven’t opened the shopping bag we bought last week so it’s a lot that you don’t eat”

“I had something in the fridge”

“don’t make my angry com’on, now we eat”

While eating Kenma was weirdly talkative, just to fill the moments of silence that hunted that place:

“Kuroo and Bokuto will came soon, they had something to do for the club after the camp”

“okay”

“you know, there were there the Karasuno’s boys, even Tsukki asked about you. He said you were the only normal person practicing with him and he missed you”

“cool”

“don’t you miss playing volleyball?”

“I don’t know, I feel better here alone for now”

“oh, and what have you done this week?”

“almost nothing, I only went to school and then slept”

“you’re becoming almost like me”

“maybe”

“you know that you cloud had called us if you wasn’t okay right?”

“yeah I know, I just had to think about some stuff, staying alone helped me. Thank you for everything you’re doing, I know I’m a mess”

“yes you’re definitely a mess, look at your unkempt hair. Alright I’ll clean here, why don’t you take a shower, you’ll feel better”

“okay”

* * *

Another month passed, Bokuto and Akaashi were seeing each other really few times, and when they did Akaashi seemed always over thinking and absent. One night they went having dinner in a new restaurant opened near their school, and on their way back home it started pouring so they had to take shelter under a bus stop. It wasn’t hinting to stop at all, it began even to lighten:

“I know I’ve been avoiding you a little in these days, I had to make up my mind about a thing”

“don’t worry Akaashi, the important is that you don’t feel sad, it doesn’t matter how”

“right, hey Bokuto look it’s lightening”

“they’re so scaring”

“not at all, I found them awesome, they’re so energetic and bright”

“if you say so”

“you know I used to be really scared by them but my grandma helped me with my fear. It happened when I was 9, we were together at home when it started lighting and there was a blackout so the place went all dark. I was really scared so I asked my grandma why she wasn’t at all and taking a candle she said “ _when you’re scared you’ve only to find a light to keep you away from dark, I really hope you’ll find that person_ ”. I didn't understand why she said that a light would be a person since today, and now I think I’ve found it. I’m scared about what I’m starting to feel and most of all I’m scared to run out of it one day, I don’t wanna start something and end it bad. Kotaro, I know you like me. I thought, maybe a little too much, about it and I do too. So why don’t we give a try? You could really be my light in the dark”

“Keiji are you serious?”

“for sure, I think this is the sweetest thing I will ever say”

“Keijiiii you’re so damn perfect”

Akaashi tried kissing fast Bokuto tiptoed and frozen for the rain, but it was so beautiful and perfect even in this way. Shocked Bokuto reached Akaashi’s check with his hand, getting closer until their lips touched again softly. After so many things they were finally happy together. That lightening sky behind was them, a dark and silent sky crossed by a bright and chaotic flash, the opposite of each other but a piece of art together.

* * *

Being both at school give them the chance to write their special notes:

“how’s going? I’ve done now a literature text”

“it’s fine Kotaro, I hope you took a good grade, shall we eat together?”

“sure, but first we should take something from the vending machines, I want an orange juice”

“alright, so I’ll take a pear one”

“I’ll pay if you will give me a kiss”

“don’t be sloppy”

“I’m not Keiji, but at least an hug?”

“fine just for this time :)”

“here it’s your juice Keiji”

“thanks, I’ll give you the prize at home I promise”

“oh you know what? I heard that your favorite writer will sign his new book in a library near here, shall we go?”

“but if you come you’ll be really bored”

“don’t worry I like a little bit his books too, it will be cool”

“so now I can read all them to you”

“noo please, I don’t like them so much, there’re still books and I will fall asleep for sure”

“ahahaha right Ko-chan that’s not in your style”

“here’s the smile I like, but really I’ll come with you tomorrow if you promise me than after we will go to the arcade”

“sure, deal”

“I’ll win every game as always”

“don’t be so sure, I’ve improved”

“hahaha since when?”

“you’ll see, I’ll destroy you”

* * *

That night Bokuto went sleeping at Akaashi’s house because his mother had left for a job in another city again. In the morning he found Akaashi on the couch looking at his wrist:

“morning Keijiii”

“hi”

“hey what’s happening?”

“I’m scared”

“don’t look at those”

“I know I shouldn’t, but every time I notice them I feel again all the pain, I guess I will never forgot my grandma or my parents together, and I don’t want too. I don’t want to do stupid things again but I feel like all these is already deep inside me. I’m scared of leaving you one day and make you suffer”

“don’t be silly, give me your wrist, I’ll cover it. You will never feel all these stuff with me, I’ll always go wherever you’ll be”

“Kotaro, you gave me the will to live again, I know there will be days when I will feel so bad that I won’t talk to anyone, even to you, but I promise I’ll live for us from now on”

Bokuto started crying for happiness hugging his boy in that perfect moment. Knowing that this bad period was slowly fading away gave him so much hope and strength that he felt ever more happy than the usual.

* * *

“heyy Keiji wait, how was school?”

“hi Kotaro, it was fine. Will you come to my house now?”

“sure, but first let’s stop on that bench, I wanna give you a thing”

“okay, what’s that?”

“just a thing I did”

“a braid of laces?”

“yes, maybe it’s silly, but I thought about the thing we said two days ago, that you feel bad looking at your wrist, so I made you this, it should be like a bracelet for hiding those scars, you won't need to wear always hoodies”

“wow, maybe it will help me somehow, thanks”

“yes I hoped it would be useful”

“now I will remember you looking at my wrist, it’s perfect”

“however let’s go playing some volleyball in your garden”

“uh fine, but let’s invite Kenma and Kuroo too”

“yes we’ll have a match”

* * *

It had passed a year and Bokuto and Kuroo had their graduation. To stay more together Bokuto moved finally to Akaashi’s house, even because his mother was always in other cities for work after the divorce. However Bokuto often had to travel to play matches with his new professional team, so Akaashi had lots of time to make a surprise:

“I’m home Keiji”

“hi Ko-chan”

“have you watched our game?”

“sure, you did so many points, I’m so proud”

“it was so fun. However when I was coming home I thought about having a travel with you too”

“oh it would be cool”

“we could go somewhere outside Japan, when you’ll graduate”

“right, I would love visiting Canada”

“that place where is always snowing?”

“com’on it doesn’t snow always there”

“maybe you’re right, we could really go there on summer”

“yes please it will be our first travel”

“however Keiji what’s there?”

“oh that box, it’s a gift, let’s go on our bed and I’ll show you”

“alright”

“Keiji here there’re hundred of notes, are those ours?”

“exactly, I keep them since we started in my first year, I never thought they would mean something but at the end they did. I felt as if I had to keep them so I did and now they’re all here”

“wow it’s awesome”

“those kept us together in every moment until now, they means a lot for me at least. There were moments in school when I wanted to give up and leave everything, but then your notes were there keeping me alive”

“having your answers always brightened my days. I wanna write a last note”

“what will you write?”

“here look “ _we're each other reasons to live_ ”, can I put it in there?”

“yes, thanks Ko-chan, you’re everything for me”

Akaashi put his head on Bokuto’s chest listening the beat of his heart while Bokuto was hugging him tightly to never let go. Slowly Bokuto reached Akaashi's wrist and started touching the scars softly until they felt asleep together. 


End file.
